Flight Of The Long-Held Pee!

After holding in a wee

Whilst talking on the phone

I then legged it to the loo

But being accident prone

I didn’t quite perfect my landing

As I was so desperate for relief

So I kinda skidded then slid

Against the toilet seat

I heard a loud ominous crack

Then the whole thing kinda whizzed

Into the air and basically took flight

With my butt still on the lid!

Through the atmosphere

Legs completely akimbo!


Suspended in a limbo!

Hanging by the seat and my pants

Up towards my bathroom ceiling

Skyward-bound then plummeting down

I found my sorry self reeling

Powerless to actually get off

Had to wait for the darn thing to crash

Didn’t have a parachute

So landed on my naked ass

In a heap

On the tiles

With a massive thud

Having travelled miles

I was so


I didn’t realise

I’d urinated



Except in the loo

What a flaming nightmare!

I stared at the open can

In utter disbelief

The shattered and completely detached

Beyond repair toilet seat

The only silver lining

I could salvage from my mind

Was the fact that my violent docking

Was cushioned by my generous behind

Without that bulging booty

I’d have been in dire straits

I could easily have broken something

But fortunately that wasn’t my fate

The moral of this story

Is go when you need to go

Don’t hold it in until you’re bursting

Because you’re talking on the phone.

The Sequel

The Sequel

Lockdown 2

Here we come

Be terrified!

The government bangs its drum

The second wave is upon us

Everything must close

Halloween, Bonfire night,

Christmas (potentially) up in smoke!

The furloughed ‘saved’

At least until March

But what of the self-employed?

How will they fare? Will they starve?

Did you celebrate?

Your last night of ‘freedom’?

Are you embracing this ‘new normal’?

Or are you waking up to this treason?

For that’s what it boils down to

When freedom of speech is muzzled

When mixing is prohibited

And our vulnerable cannot be cuddled

When you can be slapped with a £200 fine

For failing to comply

When you’re expected to remain inside

Isolated as life passes you by

When your ‘bubble’ becomes a cage

As you suffocate within

When you sense a simmering rage

As palpable fear sets in – again

When the streets are deserted

Yet the atmosphere is tight

Because everyone’s cowering from each other

As we’re all ‘deadly’ – it isn’t right!

Nothing about this is ‘normal’

It’s oppressive and dark

It’s not about ‘health’ it’s about control

The virus is a f***ing facade!

To make us dependent

On the state

To crash the economy

Community and family obliterate

To drive us apart

Get us at each other’s throats

Silencing any dissenters

As we acquiesce – it’s a joke

And those who rose up

Who gathered in peaceful defiance

Were forcibly disbanded

Arrested, exposed to violence

But did this make the news?

No coverage at all!

Even tonight’s London protest

Buried under a wall

A blackout because it jarred

With the official narrative

That lockdowns are our ‘saviour’

But this bullsh*t is no way to live

I don’t believe this virus

Is as lethal as they say

But it’s certainly killing democracy

And bringing about doomsday

Call it conspiracy theory

Call me raving mad

I couldn’t give a monkey’s

Because this insanity is making me sad

If you think washing your hands

Incessantly will keep you safe

If you think wearing a mask

Over one half of your face

Is protection enough

For what is to come

Then remain in your slumber

And sweet dreams, hun!

For sh*t is getting real

This is but the beginning

The Winter Of Discontent

A test of endurance most chilling

Survival of the fittest

Do I predict

Stomach churning but true

A depressing edict

So hibernate if you will

Or get out there and fight

Stand shoulder to shoulder

And show them your might!

Intimacy Armageddon

The digital age

At first glance seems clever

All this technology

Designed to keep us ‘together’

To keep us ‘connected’

Wherever we are

But if I’m totally honest

I think it’s a farce

For it enables us

To be lazy in our communication

Removing any necessity

To be physically present

When you can just send a text

With the tap of a few keys

Or email someone

You are relieved

Of any obligation

To make anything resembling an effort

To make an actual connection

Thus human contact is virtually severed

You certainly know your ‘worth’

When no one picks up the phone

When instead they record a memo

That you inevitably listen to alone

No option for conversation

A two-way thing

That involves interaction

And true dialoging

No eye contact either

No handshake

It’s akin to a bereavement

And my weary heart breaks

No hope of ascertaining

Someone’s warmth of tone

Or of reading their expression

And regarding the state of their soul

And so we avoid each other

Like the proverbial plague

As we succumb to greater reliance

On the digital age

This divide and rule plan

Seems to be working

Too many of us regrettably

Interaction are shirking

Afraid to venture out

Afraid to friendship kindle

Regarding those outside of our bubbles

As lepers with whom we shouldn’t mingle

And so people are losing

Their zest and will to live

It’s a sorry state of affairs

That it has come to this

We may as well be in a prison cell

With a smartphone as a mate

Oblivious to the bars which confine us

And the locked bolt across the gate

As long as we get ‘likes’

And the odd red heart emoji

As long as our phone bleeps sometimes

Surely we will never be lonely

As long as we have WiFi

And our reception is strong

Let us worship at the alter of technology

And to hell with what is wrong

Are we but islands?

On a sea of division?

Does the current to the ocean

Not flow from a river?

Does the river not form

From a tiny mountain spring?

That swelled from the raindrops

Collected therein?

That fell from the sky

When the clouds burst at the seams?

Don’t you see how we all are connected

Like the water in the streams?

It’s doesn’t do to be separate

Or we’ll dissipate and die

Whereas together we are strong

And can rise like the tide

Civilisation is being deconstructed

Machines are taking over

Our lives are moving increasing online

Fellowship rarer than a four leaf clover

Our prospects don’t look good

If we allow this decline to go on

It’s as if we’re facing a form of extinction

An intimacy Armageddon.

Be There

In these strange

Unprecedented times

Spare a thought

For those who find

Themselves isolated

For days on end

Not having any physical interaction

Completely cut off from friends

With society practically closed

And many working from home

Or others furloughed, unemployed

Spending too much time alone

Do check in

Don’t leave them to rot

Consider visiting

So they know they’re not forgot

And if you do make plans

At least see them through

Don’t let someone down

Whose relying on you

You might just be

The highlight of their week

You may be the only other human

That they actually see

Physical contact is vital

Having company means so much

So keep your appointments where possible

Don’t deprive another of that stuff

Suicide rates

Are sky-high right now

People are lonely

But perhaps ashamed to reach out

Even the strong ones

Without diagnosed conditions

Are battling right now

With these f**king restrictions

So if someone goes quiet

Give them a shout

If they’ve suddenly gone AWOL

At least check them out!

I’m not saying it’s your job

To save someone’s life

But a sense of community

Would really be nice

We were meant to live in tribes

And take care of each other

Not exist in segregation

Terrified of our sisters and brothers

It’s so messed up

What is happening right now

The real killer isn’t COVID

If you were in any doubt

It’s depression, Alcoholism

Addiction and neglect

So please be a bit selfless

And you might just resurrect

Someone from their pit

Of despair

Just by, from time to time

Simply being there.


Heightened hormones aren’t funny

I’ve mentioned this before

When your moods are unpredictable

And rationality is no more

When you feel like you’ve been peeled

And you’re literally exposed and raw

When you veer from hyper to a sobbing wreck

Or throw tantrums not knowing what for

When all you want to do

Is snuggle up, cocooned in your bed

And cry yourself to sleep

Or gorge on chocolate and junk instead

When no matter what you do

You simply feel depressed

When you’re beyond tired and weary

And can’t be arsed to get dressed

When you’re swollen and puffy and sore

And can’t bare to look in the mirror

When your skin feels greasy and pimples sprout

And you swear last week you were thinner

When the cramps begin to start

And it feels like you’re going into labour

When the hot flushes cause you to weep with perspiration

And you crave the weirdest of flavours

I recommend

You batten down the hatches

Interact with no one

Thus averting disasters

For not a soul is safe

When you’re in this state

On the shortest of fuses

Bloated, full of hate

Do the world a favour

And stay inside!

Until sanity returns

And your boobs are back to their normal size!

It may sound shocking

But it’s for the best

Because every month it’s like the mark of the Beast

Is inscribed upon my head

I know not what I’m possessed by

But it’s demonic and scary to see

A virtual life sentence ‘til I hit menopause

This b**tard they call P.M.T.


I want to fall through the cracks

I want to disappear

I’m clinging on to a fake life raft

That couldn’t care less if I’m here

I just want to let go

Cut the apron strings

But with the economy in the state that its in

This thought anxiety brings

The treadmill that I’m on

Moves in circles relentlessly

I’m doing something I despise

When all I want is to be free

No one gives a monkeys

Inadequate training ensures

That I have dozens of questions to ask

Having to constantly bang on doors

That few actually want to open

Because no one gives a f**k

That the inexperienced are drowning

Tangled up in systems and stumped

And the biggest bug-bear of all

Comes from admitting when I am stuck

To be told to use my common sense

And effectively make it up

Ha, what a joke!

That no one will bat an eye

A mouthpiece has spoke

And confirmed that I won’t die

If I get certain things wrong

(A red flag to a perfectionist)

Just invent it as you go along

It’s really no bloody great risk!?

So pride in my work goes out

The proverbial open window

The one thing that I had left

In that competence I wanted to show

For if nothing really matters

In this imposing joint

I’m left beyond demotivated

And screaming “what’s the point?!”

But as I earlier said

The country’s in a mess

There really is no exit

In spite of my intense distress

Unless I just throw in the towel

And fall beneath the cracks

Slip away, stay in bed all day

For apathy here is not something I lack.


Mind how you treat others

Measure the things you say

Watch your tone of voice

Especially when far away

Don’t bark down the phone

Don’t hang up in a fury

Don’t take out your stress

On another, it’s unsavoury

Try at all times to be nice

You don’t know what someone’s going through

You don’t know what kind of day they’re having

Unless you walk in their shoes

And don’t kick them when they’re down

Or tell them they’re being sensitive

Something small to you could be big to them

For problems are all relative

Listen when someone’s upset

Offer comfort don’t shut them up

One day it could be you

Who’s crying, in need of love

If you haven’t got the time

Don’t pick up the phone

Sometimes people just need an ear

To feel not so alone

So if you lack the patience

Or empathy is in short supply

Perhaps sit this one out

Lest you inadvertently antagonise

For you never know how close to the edge

Someone teeters before they crack

Don’t be the match in the gunpowder barrel

You strike with your attack

Think before you speak!

Don’t do anything rash

For once deeds and words are out in the ether

No more can you take them back.

The Wind Of Time

Change is on the horizon

The wind of time is blowing

Do you know what is coming?

Have you got your eyes open?

In the bleak mid-winter

Much will come to pass

The tapestry of the world

Unravelling somewhat en masse

Those who still dwell in slumber

May be jolted from their dreams

Those who have awakened

Have come to anticipate such things

Our very foundations may shake

Trust the ground you stand on is firm

History can sometimes repeat itself

For some things we have to relearn

Hold your loved ones close

Remember who you are

Centre yourselves and pray

Meditate and act from the heart

The wheel is starting to turn

The downside of a cycle

Turbulence may come before

The ensuing peace we desire makes its arrival

Question everything

See the truth as it is revealed

Don’t shy away from what stares you in the face

When secrets are no longer concealed

Listen to the voices

Of those who resonate

Listen to your intuition

Refrain from division and hate

We all are one

All lives matter

We are not a herd

Of sheepdog following cattle

Each of us have the capacity

To think and use our brains

Don’t gorge on fear and be spoon fed

Don’t let negativity drive you insane

Positive vibes are needed

Love in spades must be spread

This ‘plague’ that is upon us

Hasn’t consumed us yet

Serenity in the face of calamity

Is what is needed here

So turn to God as you understand him

And engage His benevolent ear.

Him Upstairs

It’s been emotional

Harrowing and hard

Hormonal as hell

But, by God, I was dealt these cards

And I am going to play them

The best I possibly can

Not throwing in the towel

Not ever going to drown

I’m sucking it all up

Dusting myself off

Because even in the madness

Good things I’ve come across

He certainly might work

In mysterious ways

But there’s definitely a Divine plan

And I’m beyond amazed

New connections I’ve made

No such thing as coincidence

A new found faith in Him

For I sometimes lack common sense

Sometimes I get down

Sometimes I get sick

Just can’t fathom things out

And then I say, “F**k it!”

But then a hand from heaven

Maybe in disguise

Appears as if from nowhere

And makes me realise

That I am not alone

Someone up there cares

Someone’s watching over me

Answering my prayers

Someone’s got my back

And is teaching me each day

Subtly pushing me in the right direction

Never faltering, come what may

And I couldn’t be more grateful

Or in fact humble now

For never once in my insane life

Has He ever let me down.