PlusNOT!

Plusnet I hate you!

You’re customer service is dire

You just tell me lies

I want to set you on fire!

I’m no arsonist

But it’s been nearly a month!

And still no flaming WiFi 

Now I’ve really got the hump

And I know all about humps

As I was recently on a camel

And through that I’ve learned to hiss and spit

And p**s like these unruly mammals

I’ve conquered sand dunes 

On the back of these beasts

And shall take you down too

If you persist giving me beef

Should’ve been last week

Now it’s going to be next

Stop moving the goal posts!

Can’t you see how I’m vexed?!

You say there’s a fault 

On my line

That YOU disconnected

Then CHARGED me a fine!

You won’t refund me 

Until it’s all been fixed

But fix it you can’t 

You complete and utter dicks!

I’ve spoken to OFFCOM

About my complaint

And drafted a letter 

That clearly states

What berk’s you are

What incompetent buffoons!

To allow me to be slammed

Then rub salt in my wounds!

By making me pay

For the service I haven’t got

It’s laughable really

But I kid you not

So the saga continues:

I’m disconnected still

Hope you enjoyed the sequel

But to live I’m losing the will 😡

It’s Never Too Late!

Today a dream

I dreamed came true

A promise I made

To myself that I’d do
A lifetime ago

I was only eighteen

But I knew back then

One day it would be real
The road’s been long

And at times beyond tough

But I held on to that vision

And I never gave up
I dealt with the doubters

The haters and thieves

Those out to get me

Through jealousy and greed
I lost my way

But now I’ve made it back

So here I stand 

And that is that
Thanks be to God

And the universe

For giving me the strength

To finally lift the curse.

Diary Of The Disconnected

What a palaver

When your account’s been slammed

No internet or landline

Communications jammed

Who’s to blame?

Plusnet/Skye/EE?

All say “No!

It wasn’t me!”

So while they pass me 

From pillar to post

I report them to OFFCOM

Now surely they’re toast

Can’t cut me off

For two whole weeks

And expect me to roll over

And turn the other cheek

I’ve been stitched up 

Through no fault of my own

WIFI is no more

Running through my home

So I sit and I wait

Under house arrest

From the crack of dawn ‘til noon

At their inconvenient behest

For an engineer to appear

And rectify my plight

Get me back online

Before I lose my s***e

He’s cutting it really fine

This elusive man from BT

Another telecoms co.

To add to the other three

You’d think between the four of them

They could sort this major mess out

Not condemn me to more complaining 

And shooting off my mouth

I’ve already had to take

A whole day off of work

Pay to use a net cafe

And it’s driving me berserk

Buy some extra data

So I can surf at least from my phone

And now I am a prisoner

A jailbird having a moan

Fast forward now an hour

The swine did not show up

Called Plusnet again

And spoke to some other dumb f**k

Who told me my order was cancelled

By Orange – what a joke!

Another corporation to add to the mix

Now that’s five I want up in smoke 

She then changed her tune

After putting me on hold

For an interminable time 

As my blood boiled with these woes

“Oh sorry he came at 9

And fixed things externally”

A day off work was not required –

Well thanks for telling me!

Incandescent I tear into her ear

Wishing I could slap her face

If only this rep of Plusnet were here

What a balls up, an utter disgrace!

“Yes, it’s unfortunate”

Understatement of the year

I’m seething at this heartless t**t

Who unfortunately doesn’t 

Empathise

And is only increasing my wrath

So I ask for the boss

To lodge a complaint 

I’m that flaming angry

I could actually faint

I must wait for a call

As he’s not around

Typical, I think

What a bunch of clowns.

I’ll update again

When I have more news

Until then must I simmer

As my screws are now loose.

A Drop In The Ocean

Used to like watching tv

Now it just makes me bored 

Used to love you and me

When it was fun – how I adored

Now my rhythm’s all over the place

And so is my aching head

From too much time

Wasted on someone 

Who would rather be in bed 

Always too tired or broke it seems

To live Iife to the full

I’m sitting surrounded by shattered dreams 

Feeling an ache I wish would dull

A wasted effort 

Too much did I give

This depletion is real

Emptied out through combative 

Exchanges and retorts

They say romance is dead

Stillborn with you

From beginning to end 

So I take my leave

And throw in the towel

Wipe the slate clean

Before I fall foul

To another broken heart

Like the pieces of my dreams

Scattered all around me

Unpicked at the seams.

Salvaging something from the wreck

That’s sinking to the bottom of the ocean bed

A smidgin of that stuff named dignity

That will keep me afloat now at last I am free.

Carbonated 

Don’t you burst my bubble

Or rain on my parade

I’m walking on sunshine

Not stepping in your shade

 

I am on a high

Things are going fine

Got a spring in my step

And I’m feeling divine

 

Join me if you want to

But do not bring me down

Had enough of negativity

And never will I drown

 

Firing on all cylinders

Bursting with energy

Feeling light and zingy

Effervescent and carefree

 

As if I could actually fly

To the magical end of a rainbow

On the wings of a unicorn

Wafting which way the wind blows
Through iridescent, turquoise skies

And fluffy cappuccino clouds

Dodging dancing golden rays

That glisten all around
This vibe is sublime

I’m not causing any trouble

So stay out of my way

I won’t let you burst my bubble.

Hello Sunshine!

Run into the sun

As fast as you can

Catch it while it’s there

You know you want to run

High in the sky

Shining so bright

Lighting up the world

Putting wrongs to right

Where were you hiding –

You took so long to rise?

Now here you are

Right before my eyes

Golden and hot

Your rays beam down on me

Warming my skin

Winter a memory

We all come alive

And feel our spirits lift

Out in the fresh air

To be a part of it

Summer now dawns

Get ready to partay

We’ve waited so long

To feel this heavenly way.

Sweet Dreams

And so to bed

My weary body goes

Heavy and aching

I lift my toes

On to the mattress

And lie comfortably down

Pulling close the duvet

I cocoon myself in its mound

Drowsiness takes over

I settle my head

Into the pillow

Close my eyes and rest

It’s been a long day

And I’m feeling weak

Goodnight world

I’m going to sleep.

Beggars Belief

Ain’t too proud to beg 

Pays more than a regular job

With wages so low

And nowhere to go

It’s hard to blame this baying mob

At every turn

An outstretched hand

A fee for everything

As they approach and demand

A career of sorts

Professionals are they 

As they show you a ‘kindness’

Or deliberately lead you astray

Then hit you up

At an extortionate rate

Though sympathetic to their plight 

You start to hate 

This insatiable hunger 

They feel inside

As you see the pound signs

Flashing before their eyes

When a visitor passes by

‘A walking atm’

Perceived to be full of cash

To be emptied out by them

On you like a plague

They’ll quickly rinse you clean

If you don’t have your wits about you

If you’re generous instead of mean

An impossible situation 

It really wears you down

Caught in a full-blown tourist trap

Ravenous they hound 

Concentrated at every site

The beggars lie in wait

Harass you with all their might

And if you don’t cough up

They’ll spit at you or curse

Or threaten to beat you up

That’s a fact – could it get any worse?

These parasites that swarm

Around the city of Marrakech

Are a horrific blight on a place

I so wanted me to impress

The way they aggressively prey

On the travellers that flow

Sadly ruined what I truly hoped would be

A magical place to go 😥

Sandy Saharan story

The sun sets over the Sahara

A blinding fireball in the sky

The dunes ablaze with golden light

As day unveils the night

The crimson sand cooling

It’s ember coals fade to grey

The searing heat subsides

A light breeze caresses our face

The Bedouin campsite beckons

Like nomads we wend our way

Sandblasted skin and eyes aglow

The candlelit marquee awaits

Warmly greeted by the desert tribe

We are served mint tea and almonds

Opulence abounds as we take respite

Tucked away in the Saharan mountains

Illuminated harlequin lanterns

Embedded in the ground

Depict our passage through

The rouge-carpeted sandy mounds

A feast of bricochette poulet

And legumes graces the table

We dine and share our experiences

And hear tales and Arabic fables

And then the entertainment begins

As we gather around the bonfire

Beating drums and acoustic strings

Symphonise our every melodic desire

Into late evening

We chant and we sing

A melting pot of nationalities

United in hymn

The noir velvet darkness

Studded with an abundance of electric stars

Twinkling at the tips of our noses

A sparkling canopy igniting our hearts

At the stroke of midnight

We eventually bed down

The final curtain drawn

The jewel in the crown

The sheer majesty of the Sahara

Is breathtaking beyond words

Her soothing ambience and tranquility

A mystical wonder of this earth

Camel Capers

If you should mount a camel

Brace yourself for bumps

It may make you squeal in terror

As it hoists itself up with a jump

Ensure that you lean back

Or you’ll lurch forward arse over tit

There’s a technique to this camel lark

And I’m yet to master it!

Once you’re up

You feel relatively safe

Until it starts moving

And gathers pace

Negotiating the sand dunes

Is no mean feat

It’s fine going up

But coming down your butt flies off the seat

You cling on for dear life

As you bounce like a ping-pong ball

Akin to riding rodeo

Trying desperately not to fall

Grappling with a camel

Is something of an art

They seem so cute and calm

Until they snort and fart

Until they get the hump

And threaten to throw you off

Be very kind to your camel

You’re doomed if you make it cross!

Your palms will sweat

And slip from the handle

Calluses will develop

As you ride this risky ramble

Your biceps will bulge

And your abs will take a beating

Your bum will be raw like a baboon’s arse

And way too sore for seating

Getting off it you’re still in peril

And take your life in your hands

As it’s front legs buckle beneath you

Almost hoying you head first into the sand

You’ll struggle to walk

With wobbly jelly legs

And you’ll be straddling around

Like you’ve been rogered by King Dong and his friends

Your back will seriously ache

But you’ll be eternally thankful to be alive

So hail one of these creatures with caution

As it’s one hell of a white knuckle ride!