When I wedged the stupid thing on
Never knew it’d get stuck fast
Was trying to be stylish
Not induce a life or death dash
To the emergency room
When the soap and fairy liquid failed
And my poor damn finger turned purple
Swelled up and caused me to wail
I had to dial 111
They told me there was no hope
Unless I went to A&E
To get it sawn off – I swear, no joke!
Thus off I went
In the dead of night
It was pouring down
But I needed out of this plight
With a throbbing, fat finger
I arrived at The Whitt
Registered at reception
Was undoubtedly deemed a twit
Sat in the waiting room
For what seemed an eternity
But this penance had to be endured
If my finger was to be freed
From it’s nickel shackle
That squeezed and nipped and pinched
From the allergic reaction
That caused it to blister and itch
When they finally called my name
And I sheepishly met the nurse
She almost fell about laughing
At this mishap that evoked her mirth
But she ushered me through
Quickly anyway
To an operating theatre
Where to my dismay
I clocked an array of tools
That scared the life out of me
Metal cutters, chainsaws and knives
Sharpened beyond belief!
Wielding them
She grabbed my hand
Clamped the offending
Fake gold band
Yanked and sliced
Wrenched and stretched
Prised that bastard apart
As I screamed and wept
Until the foreign body
Was completely broken off
And my poor little finger could breathe
Unencumbered by that sod
Oh how it f*****g hurt!
How it singed and it burned!
It felt like being dismembered
But thankfully my digit remained
Oh, hallelujah!
Did I then sing
They had succeeded
In removing the ring!
Unbelievably
They’d saved my life
And rescued me
From this particular strife.