The ‘Therapist’

Utterly irresponsibly

You opened a can of worms

This bollocks that you call CBT

Has left me scarred and burned

You lifted the lid

On my darkest times

Then ejected me back

Into the wild

You said you could assist

But instead you just drew

Pathetic diagrams

After I my guts had spewed

You then said we only had 10

Sessions – this was not your field

But there I was exposed

My wounds now open not healed

Well thanks very much

For being so out of touch

For creating a ticking bomb

That might go off – for I can’t carry on

Like this anymore

I am on the proverbial floor

And you are the catalyst

That has made me feel like this

I’ll find a way out

For a survivor am I

I’ll get my shit together

And my tears will dry

But reader be wary

Of ‘therapists’

That will take your money

Then cast you adrift

Maybe it’s better

To work through it yourself

You’ve done it before

It’s called self-help.

Virtual Vaginas

Virtual Vaginas

Sick of being objectified

By men just out for a f**k

Sick of vile predators

Baiting you and trying their luck

They project their fantasies on to you

Think you’ll fulfil their needs

Ignoring the fact you have needs of your own

And you’re not there just them to please

You’re more than a mere vagina

A depository for them to release

You’re a human being with feelings

Emotions and a history

You’re worthy of love

You deserve respect

You’re not a f***ing sex toy

To be disposed of when they’re no longer erect

These people are vermin

So arrogant

Like ravenous beasts

On the hunt

For vulnerable prey

To entice into their trap

Where they trip you up

To get you flat on you on your back

Vultures that surf the net

And groom you via a dating sight

Then lure you out, feigning affection

Crawling out of the shadows at night

It’s all so twisted

Romance is dead

An elaborate ploy

To get you into bed

They may not quite be Weinstein

But it’s in the same despicable vein

The abuse of women is rife

In this godforsaken digital age

Where are the gentlemen?

Where is their honour?

What happened to courting?

Getting to know one another?

Is this what it boils down to?

A flash in the pan?

Dehumanising females?

Wham bam, thank you, ma’am?

Shall we chop of our limbs?

Our torsos and heads?

For they’re surplus to requirements

If we succumb to the likes of them!

Like Boxing Helena

If you break it right down

It makes my blood boil

That these diabolical clowns

Who should really hire a prostitute

Instead go all out online

In search of a bargain bang

Spinning their web of lies.

Be Kind

Yesterday

Another soul gave up

Departed this life

For she’d endured enough

She couldn’t take

This world anymore

So she took flight

From behind closed doors

We’ll never know

The final trigger

But something snapped

Something she just couldn’t figure

A way out from

No apparent escape

The only option

Her own life to take

The outpouring of grief

We now see

The abundance of love

Is a tragedy

For she’ll never feel it

Too little too late

The odds were stacked against

This vilified victim of hate

I didn’t know her

But her death resonates

In bleaker times

Have I contemplated such a fate

But I never had to contend

With the added pressure

Of overwhelming scrutiny

And being tabloid fodder

Whatever took place

On that December day

Should not have ended

In this utterly heartbreaking way

That a tormented young woman

Had to kill herself

For people to finally realise

How badly she needed help

To deal with a world

That had seemingly turned it’s back

Upon the beautiful but broken star

We knew as Caroline Flack.

Skin Deep

Skin Deep

Ironically when at hospital

I went to get weighed

When I bent to remove my shoe

My Lycra leggings frayed

Nay, they royally ripped

Below my left butt cheek

A gaping hole appeared

White knickers for all to see

A pound of flesh

And half of my bum

On display

With nowhere to run

I’d like to think

They shrank in the wash

Clean on today

But that’s probably tosh

For when I hit the scales

The needle went up

To 64 kilos

I couldn’t bare to look

Middle aged spread

Is afflicting me

5’3” and a half

Curves for all to see

I can recall when

I was a mere 7 stone

21 years old

Slender, lithe and toned

No problem squeezing

Into purple spandex jeans

Like Sandy’s in Grease

Shiny black, final scenes

Back when I was

A perfect size 6

Blonde and willowy

Before the clock ticked

To February 2020

My 45th year

So much has changed

Not just the size of my rear

Maturing disgracefully

Although that’s about to change

For although my foot is fractured

I’m no longer in so much pain

Instead I’m focusing inward

Repairing my wounded soul

Reinventing the ‘wheel’

Recovery my goal

And there’s so much work

Still to be done

I haven’t time to fret

Over the size of my bum

That’s one good thing about ageing

You sure as hell care less

About outward appearances

And your hair being a mess

For it’s what’s inside that counts

And if you’re discontented

You’ll never be satisfied

And lost youth may be lamented

Don’t fear growing old

And developing some padding

It’s better than the alternative

Or being emaciated and sagging

Embrace your waist

The extra inch or two

Love yourself

Then you won’t have to

Obsess about your looks

And any lines that appear

You won’t need to seek approval

Or the coming decades fear

And if you’re inclined

To seek solace in prayer

That sense of connection

Will form a protective layer

Around your insecurities

And put them to bed

Amplify your inner voice

So you can hear that instead

Of any self-defeating thoughts

About your evolving looks

Until you actually no longer do

Give a flying f**k

You’ll no longer need a mask

For beauty comes from within

You’ll find inner peace at last

And feel comfortable in your own skin.

When The Dam Breaks

When the dam breaks

And your walls come down

And the tears flow in torrents

And there’s no one around

Allow them to cascade

Down your cheeks

Don’t stifle the flow

Don’t think yourself weak

Know that you’re cleansing

Releasing – just breathe

All those pent up feelings

Simply decided to leave

Washing away the frustration

The hurts that you may have endured

Taking with them the toxins

As you surrender and purge

So cry it all out

And then cry some more

Don’t withhold one drop

Let that salt water pour

And when you’re done

You’ll feel so much lighter

Exhausted but at peace

You don’t have to fight it

Then nurture yourself

Snuggle yourself up

And show yourself

Some affection and love.

Love

Love is the sweetest thing

Love’s tail can have a sting

Love doesn’t always stay

Love can change every day

Love has many different guises

Love is unpredictable, full of surprises

Love can come from different sources

People, animals, unseen forces

Love is a feeling

Love is an act

Love can be physical

Love can be lacked

Love can be rejected

Love can be withheld

Love can make us crazy

Love can be unrequited as well

Love can be offered

Love can be sought

But love is not a commodity

That can be sold or bought

Love is eternal

In infinite supply

Love is within you

Love is the reason why

Love is intangible

It fills you up inside

Love yourself as you would another

And love’s well will never run dry.

The World

Peeling back the layers

Wondering who I am

Evaluating everything

Ascertaining what is a sham

Digging deep within

Listening to the call of my soul

It’s screaming at me to do something

Yet what I don’t actually know

Clearly I’ve been exasperated

Entrapped by circumstance

Literally dying to free myself

Given half a chance

The road ahead is uncertain

Not sure which direction to take

But treading water isn’t working

And I feel it’s make or break

If I stagnate I’ll surely go mad

I’m already borderline there

Monumentally overburdened

Not of myself taking care

But rather soldiering on

Like a snow plough through a blizzard

Churning through great walls of ice

In dire need of a Wizard

Who’ll wave a magic wand

And make all my dreams come true

So that I can find respite

From what I’ve been putting myself through

For nobody made me

Make the choices I made

Though some perhaps influenced

The fact that I’ve stayed

For so long

In an ill-fitting place

Climbing a mountain

Too vast to negotiate

Trying to stay afloat

On an infinite, untamed ocean

That tosses me this way and that

And is constantly in motion

Clinging on for dear life

To the raft that I commandeered

Terrified of the water

Which never before have I feared

I used to just take the plunge

Without ever thinking twice

Run and jump just like that!

Almost taking flight

I saw it as an adventure

A thrilling dip on this rollercoaster ride

Exhilarating though my heart was in my mouth

No intention of suicide

But that was when I was young

And fearless and naive

That was when I had the balls

And unlimited energy

Older now

I proceed with caution

Wary of pitfalls

Intuition distorted

Having had my faith shaken

I almost struggle to trust

But they’re urging me onwards

And I must be robust

For if I don’t do

What I know I must

They’ll force me somehow

And that could be tough

Best it’s my decision

To make that change

Take that chance

And not hesitate

Best I follow

My heart and my head

Which now are in tandem

I just need the strength

To board that Chariot

And take the reigns

Steer my course

And not remain

In this situation

I’ve found myself in

It’s time to say adieu

And begin again

Start from scratch

For this cycle has almost played out

As confirmed by The World card

Which has left me in no doubt.