Flight Of The Long-Held Pee!

After holding in a wee

Whilst talking on the phone

I then legged it to the loo

But being accident prone

I didn’t quite perfect my landing

As I was so desperate for relief

So I kinda skidded then slid

Against the toilet seat

I heard a loud ominous crack

Then the whole thing kinda whizzed

Into the air and basically took flight

With my butt still on the lid!

Through the atmosphere

Legs completely akimbo!

Jeans-a-dangling

Suspended in a limbo!

Hanging by the seat and my pants

Up towards my bathroom ceiling

Skyward-bound then plummeting down

I found my sorry self reeling

Powerless to actually get off

Had to wait for the darn thing to crash

Didn’t have a parachute

So landed on my naked ass

In a heap

On the tiles

With a massive thud

Having travelled miles

I was so

Discombobulated

I didn’t realise

I’d urinated

Absolutely

Everywhere

Except in the loo

What a flaming nightmare!

I stared at the open can

In utter disbelief

The shattered and completely detached

Beyond repair toilet seat

The only silver lining

I could salvage from my mind

Was the fact that my violent docking

Was cushioned by my generous behind

Without that bulging booty

I’d have been in dire straits

I could easily have broken something

But fortunately that wasn’t my fate

The moral of this story

Is go when you need to go

Don’t hold it in until you’re bursting

Because you’re talking on the phone.

The Sequel

The Sequel

Lockdown 2

Here we come

Be terrified!

The government bangs its drum

The second wave is upon us

Everything must close

Halloween, Bonfire night,

Christmas (potentially) up in smoke!

The furloughed ‘saved’

At least until March

But what of the self-employed?

How will they fare? Will they starve?

Did you celebrate?

Your last night of ‘freedom’?

Are you embracing this ‘new normal’?

Or are you waking up to this treason?

For that’s what it boils down to

When freedom of speech is muzzled

When mixing is prohibited

And our vulnerable cannot be cuddled

When you can be slapped with a £200 fine

For failing to comply

When you’re expected to remain inside

Isolated as life passes you by

When your ‘bubble’ becomes a cage

As you suffocate within

When you sense a simmering rage

As palpable fear sets in – again

When the streets are deserted

Yet the atmosphere is tight

Because everyone’s cowering from each other

As we’re all ‘deadly’ – it isn’t right!

Nothing about this is ‘normal’

It’s oppressive and dark

It’s not about ‘health’ it’s about control

The virus is a f***ing facade!

To make us dependent

On the state

To crash the economy

Community and family obliterate

To drive us apart

Get us at each other’s throats

Silencing any dissenters

As we acquiesce – it’s a joke

And those who rose up

Who gathered in peaceful defiance

Were forcibly disbanded

Arrested, exposed to violence

But did this make the news?

No coverage at all!

Even tonight’s London protest

Buried under a wall

A blackout because it jarred

With the official narrative

That lockdowns are our ‘saviour’

But this bullsh*t is no way to live

I don’t believe this virus

Is as lethal as they say

But it’s certainly killing democracy

And bringing about doomsday

Call it conspiracy theory

Call me raving mad

I couldn’t give a monkey’s

Because this insanity is making me sad

If you think washing your hands

Incessantly will keep you safe

If you think wearing a mask

Over one half of your face

Is protection enough

For what is to come

Then remain in your slumber

And sweet dreams, hun!

For sh*t is getting real

This is but the beginning

The Winter Of Discontent

A test of endurance most chilling

Survival of the fittest

Do I predict

Stomach churning but true

A depressing edict

So hibernate if you will

Or get out there and fight

Stand shoulder to shoulder

And show them your might!