Becoming Barren

So I’ll never know how it feels

To conceive a brand new life

I’ll never have a little soul occupy

That womb that has caused so much strife

I’ll never know that overwhelming joy

The miracle of a positive test

The blessing of creating with someone you love

Another human that comprises the best

Of both of you (or at least one hopes!)

That can carry your family line on

A tiny person, a joint work of art

That you can bathe in love

I’ll never have a being to nurture

To fret over and to scold

I’ll never have to worry if they come home late

So I guess I’m spared, I suppose

Free to be as selfish as I please

And not contribute to the human race

I’ll never endure stretch marks

Or excruciating labour pains

I won’t fulfil my female ‘purpose’

For my machinery is faulty and broken

I won’t ever know that pregnancy glow

Now the powers that be have spoken

Instead I’ll be rendered a shell of a woman

Intact to the outside world

But I will know and a chosen few

That I’m really incomplete to behold

Have I regrets? Will I weep and mourn?

I hope not, though the nightmares have begun

Although deep down I think I always knew

I’d never become a mum

Somewhere in my psyche

The trauma has already started

Dreams of pushing prams, cradling a bundle

Persist suggesting I’m subconsciously broken-hearted…

So behind the scenes

A part of me grieves

For the life I will never create

But these are the cards

I’ve been dealt by the Gods

And I must accept my fate

I never believed myself fit

To be an effective mother

Never was I maternal, in fact

But assumed it was a decisive act, that’s the trouble

It was never set in stone

And the ‘fairer’ sex can change her mind!

There was always an element of choice

But henceforth of that I’ll be deprived

Barren Sharon

Will I be rendered

How I used to laugh at that pun!

Now it is all

I can think about

And I ain’t laughing for it’s no longer fun

Shit got serious

But no one died

If I’d told you I was devastated

I’d actually have lied

Rather, I’m saddened

Emotional, yes

But thus far I’m not

A gibbering wreck

And when I slumber

I can visit them there

The ghosts of those babies

I shall never now bear.

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