Paindemic

A new pandemic

Is taking hold

The world’s gone beserk

Over Sourdough

An epidemic

Of tart tasting bread

You need a sledgehammer to slice

Being served it I dread

It’s chewy, it’s nasty

It tastes like turd

So heavy and dense

This obsession is absurd

And yet it’s everywhere

In every bakery and cafe

It’s very invention

Is a cause for dismay

No wonder they’ve named it

‘Sour’ / ‘dough’

You need wads of the latter to buy it

And may feel bitter if you don’t

Like a status symbol

It reeks of affluence

Accompanied with smashed avocado

Eating it suggests a gentrified stance

A plague du pain

A pain in the butt

I’m sorry if this irks you

But I cannot stand the stuff!

Fine, you may say,

Do not partake

If it was that simple

For sure another bread would I break!

But try finding granary

Or whole meal or soda

In a city besieged

With this poncy interloper

I’ve scoured every store

In the vicinity

For an alternative loaf

To no avail – what a liberty!

So I was forced to purchase

A slender baguette

Funded by taking out a second mortgage

Which of course I lived to regret

Not only did my knife

Warp, then falter and break

When I tried to cut it –

By morning it was stale!

So it went in the bin

And I went without toast

To eat with my homemade soup

What an utter joke!

Bread should surely be squidgy

Springy, buoyant and yum

Sweet yet savoury and moreish

And not cost an extortionate sum!

And what happened to having choices

As to what variety you can buy?

Why must we all conform

To the latest food fad that passes by?

Not everyone’s bloody tastebuds

Are exactly the same

Not everyone’s a slave to fashion

So please would you kindly refrain

From saturating the shops

And eateries with this crust

It’s like chomping on a piece chipbaord

And I refuse to bow down to this cult.

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