Caged

I really don’t understand

The point of this thing called life

I feel I’m just stuck passing time

Until I’m released unto a realm without strife

To motivate myself at all

It’s such a chore everyday

Unfulfilled and mostly isolated

I trudge on feeling abject dismay

My aspirations out of reach

What I strive for just doesn’t materialise

I’ve lost my sense of purpose

I don’t understand why I’m alive

It’s not that I wish to be dead

But I’m existing in a vacuum of bland

Little excites me anymore

The tedium wasn’t something I planned

Loneliness and lethargy

Set in some time ago

But this insane pandemic has finished me off

And now all I feel is woe

I don’t know how to amuse myself

How to fill the emptiness

I wish something awesome would f**king give

So I don’t feel such waste and a mess

Age is creeping up on me

Energy sapped and scarce

Nothing to aim for except to earn a crust

But even that is something perverse

Can’t get paid to do what I love

So prostituting myself for cash

For way too long have I walked this path

That I thought was temporary – what a laugh!

I want to fly away, run, escape

But where the heck would I go?

This cage I’m in trapped in is holding me tight

What a veritable, interminable sh*t show.

All you ever did was take

Manipulate and scrounge

Innately insincere and ultimately fake

Like your finger nails and overly botoxed face

Utterly self-absorbed

Playing the Princess-In-Distress

Using everyone who ever gave a sh*t

That you are such a f**ked up mess

We all tried

Until we were blue in the face

To help you face your demons

But you’re beyond help and an utter disgrace

I came to your aid

Many a time

Nursed you when you were sick

Gave you first aid and a hospital ride

And yet again

You bailed when I needed a friend

After sponging off me for over a year

You f**ked me over and sent me over the edge

I am astonished and disgusted

That you could stoop so low

You’re clearly beyond redemption

And deserve ever poisonous seed you sow

Good luck with life

I fear you’ll meet a tragic demise

But I guarantee you this

I will not be crying

I will not be sorry

Because you refuse to help yourself

You just leech off the good nature of others

Like a vampire feeding off their light to alleviate your hell

You deserve all you get

Because you’re rotten to the core

‘The Sick Man Prayer’

Doesn’t wash with me anymore

I’m beyond exasperated

With the pathetic ‘little girl lost’ act

Exhausted with your excuses and lies

You’re a Toxic Tinkerbell and that’s an unfortunate fact

You’ve had enough chances

Been forgiven over and over again

But that was the final straw for me

You despicable imposter who dared to call yourself my ‘friend’.

What the hell just happened?

The skies are now full of rain

There’s an aching in the pit of my stomach

As I wrestle with this pain

You cut me deep

With your unbridled anger

An ambush of words

But I didn’t sense the danger

Until I scrolled down

And unleashed the tirade

Nestled in the penultimate paragraphs

And felt your unbridled rage

Unnecessary

And way over the top

You could’ve said it more kindly

A bomb you did not have to drop

A sneak attack

From way offside

The tactics of a sniper

There was nowhere to hide

Felled in a hail

Of verbal bullets

Mortally wounded it would seem

The death of a friendship

I treasured the most

Psychologically shattered, bereaved

Grieving now

Powerless to act

You’re gone forever

There’s no turning back

You seem to have overreacted

Erupted like a volcano

I’m pretty sure that my misdemeanour

Wasn’t the only trigger for this molten lava show

But I was certainly the target

Right in your firing line

And now I’m not sure if I can forgive

Let alone forget this crime

I really didn’t deserve it

I’d have never obliterated you

It seems you’ve got some serous issues

And I simply lit your fuse

Your resentments must have festered

Masked with a smirk of hidden barbed wire

Until they overcame you and your acidic ulcer burst

Spewing apocalyptic vitriol in a shower of ‘friendly’ fire

I knew you were dangerous

I sensed something was amiss

Intuition never fails

I just wish I had listened and spared myself this.

Live and let live

Don’t judge me too quick

Don’t tell me what to do

Unless you’ve walked in my shoes

Don’t question my actions

For I wouldn’t question yours

Unless I’m hurting someone

My business is none of yours

We all make choices

To suit ourselves

We don’t exist to please others

That would be hell

I do what I think

Is right at the time

It’s got f**k all to do

With anyone else when there’s no crime

So I made a decision

That was right for me

I still have free will

To exercise if I please

You may not agree

You may not understand

But don’t try to dictate

Because you feel you’re higher and mightier than

Somebody else

Who selected a different path

Just butt-out, okay?

Or you may feel my wrath.

Single Awareness Day

Approaches once again

When all singles are reminded

Of the love they cannot attain

Excluded in every way

For not being part of a couple

Acute reinforcement of this fact

Can cause some of them to buckle

So either they opt out

Or in defiance they see it through

Uniting with other ‘lonely’ hearts

To gain strength from not being a two

The propaganda and the pressure

To declare your undying devotion

The commercial machine that churns

Provokes a myriad of emotions

It’s only one day of the year

A mere 24 hours

But woe betide you if you don’t receive

A card, some chocolates and flowers

If no one is clamouring

To romance you and seduce

To bowl you over

Worship at your alter – what to do?

Consider yourself unworthy?

Undeserving of such sentiments?

Harbour feelings of being less than?

Brew a pot of resentments?

No way!

Cast that mentality aside!

And recognise that it’s just

Another way of being bribed

To spend your dosh

And buy into the hype

When in reality

It’s all a load of tripe

Love should prevail

All year round

Not on a bitter cold day in February

That marks the day an execution was carried out

When a martyr was proclaimed

St Valentine

Which begs the question –

Why commemorate a crime?

Shelly

Shelly you’ve been so brave

Shelly you fought so hard

Surpassing all the odds

Now rest in eternal peace, dear love

Not seen you for so long

But you personified the sun

A beaming bright ball of fire

Emanating such warmth

Beyond beautiful

Wide and expectant brown eyes

Always full of life

Always you beguiled

A deep hearty laugh

And a chatterbox for sure

Passionate in your youth

By your mum adored

I just had to wish you well

As you transcend this plane

The like of which I’m certain

We’ll never encounter again

🙏🙌Xx

This Heart

Intact is this heart

Though it did smart

It leaked but did not bleed

When swept out to sea

By the pull of the tide

Almost was it capsized

Until the mighty ocean

Somehow realised

What moved it

Did then soothe it

And ease the sting

Drew it back with gentle words

A peace offering

Words that seemed to sense

That it’s salt had stung

Thus a healing balm was sent

And it was overcome

Cascading warmly

Transmitted through the ether

Restoring it’s serenity

And hope for the future

Not the rose-tinted one

It may have desired

(This heart must now drift carefully

For water can extinguish fire!)

But a continuation at least

Of something fertile and sweet

A blessing in disguise?

Something wonderful that could be?

And so the current flows…

Back and forth…

It is still afloat

And these elements are back on course…

The watery abyss

And this delicate vessel

In harmony for now…

In tune do they nestle…

And a symphony of bliss

Permeates this being

That is content to bask awhile

And not question this feeling

The tide may change

This boat may come aground

Dashed against the rocks

Or sunk without a sound

But this heart does know

It will certainly go on

There are a myriad of waters

It could set sail upon.

Cupid’s in deep s**t!

For drink driving whilst on duty

I was a direct hit

And rendered feeling infuriatingly fruity

Turns out he was p*ssed

As a proverbial fart

I’m incensed he didn’t miss

For now I’m nursing a mortified heart

He’s really done a number on me

Because I clearly wasn’t his target

No way on God’s earth should I have fallen inappropriately in lust

With a dude that was off the market

Well, he can clean up his own mess

This totally wasn’t my fault!

His drunken mishap made me fess up

To feelings I never should have felt!

Now I’m in a tangle

And that reckless chubby cherub needn’t gloat!

The situation is mangled

I NEED an antidote!

A f**king ice cold shower

A course of antibiotics

And to report him to the Love Powers That Be

For rendering me psychotic.

So I’ll never know how it feels

To conceive a brand new life

I’ll never have a little soul occupy

That womb that has caused so much strife

I’ll never know that overwhelming joy

The miracle of a positive test

The blessing of creating with someone you love

Another human that comprises the best

Of both of you (or at least one hopes!)

That can carry your family line on

A tiny person, a joint work of art

That you can bathe in love

I’ll never have a being to nurture

To fret over and to scold

I’ll never have to worry if they come home late

So I guess I’m spared, I suppose

Free to be as selfish as I please

And not contribute to the human race

I’ll never endure stretch marks

Or excruciating labour pains

I won’t fulfil my female ‘purpose’

For my machinery is faulty and broken

I won’t ever know that pregnancy glow

Now the powers that be have spoken

Instead I’ll be rendered a shell of a woman

Intact to the outside world

But I will know and a chosen few

That I’m really incomplete to behold

Have I regrets? Will I weep and mourn?

I hope not, though the nightmares have begun

Although deep down I think I always knew

I’d never become a mum

Somewhere in my psyche

The trauma has already started

Dreams of pushing prams, cradling a bundle

Persist suggesting I’m subconsciously broken-hearted…

So behind the scenes

A part of me grieves

For the life I will never create

But these are the cards

I’ve been dealt by the Gods

And I must accept my fate

I never believed myself fit

To be an effective mother

Never was I maternal, in fact

But assumed it was a decisive act, that’s the trouble

It was never set in stone

And the ‘fairer’ sex can change her mind!

There was always an element of choice

But henceforth of that I’ll be deprived

Barren Sharon

Will I be rendered

How I used to laugh at that pun!

Now it is all

I can think about

And I ain’t laughing for it’s no longer fun

Shit got serious

But no one died

If I’d told you I was devastated

I’d actually have lied

Rather, I’m saddened

Emotional, yes

But thus far I’m not

A gibbering wreck

And when I slumber

I can visit them there

The ghosts of those babies

I shall never now bear.

Harbouring feelings

That won’t subside

Said and done all I can

But still they continue to arise

You say you’ve got someone

You’re quite besotted with

Guess that’s all I need to know

For I’ve nothing more to give

Guess I’ll have to resist

That urge to fold you in my arms

Guess I’m paralysed

For I cannot make you feel what you can’t

For a while there it seemed you felt the same

Guess I read the signs all wrong

Guess it’s me who is to blame

For allowing my fantasies to run amock

For sensing something that maybe wasn’t there

For allowing my head to believe

For chasing a rainbow that was made of thin air

And evaporated when I drew near

It felt so real – almost palpable

A current so strong I shook

But it was unsustainable

And suddenly the power was cut

Everything else remained the same

But the surge was no longer present

Try as I might it wouldn’t reignite

Which inevitably led to torment

So I poured it all out

In the hope I could capture

That vital piece

Of your heart – make it rapture

I should’ve known then

That things were not flowing

When you missed my point

And started joking

But eventually

We had the talk

You set the record straight

And now I have to walk

But I’m carrying with me

An unwanted gift

That part of me I wanted someone to cherish

That I must now set adrift

Off on the ocean

Of unrequited love

They float away, these unrealised dreams

That had seemed to fit like a glove.