Paindemic

A new pandemic

Is taking hold

The world’s gone beserk

Over Sourdough

An epidemic

Of tart tasting bread

You need a sledgehammer to slice

Being served it I dread

It’s chewy, it’s nasty

It tastes like turd

So heavy and dense

This obsession is absurd

And yet it’s everywhere

In every bakery and cafe

It’s very invention

Is a cause for dismay

No wonder they’ve named it

‘Sour’ / ‘dough’

You need wads of the latter to buy it

And may feel bitter if you don’t

Like a status symbol

It reeks of affluence

Accompanied with smashed avocado

Eating it suggests a gentrified stance

A plague du pain

A pain in the butt

I’m sorry if this irks you

But I cannot stand the stuff!

Fine, you may say,

Do not partake

If it was that simple

For sure another bread would I break!

But try finding granary

Or whole meal or soda

In a city besieged

With this poncy interloper

I’ve scoured every store

In the vicinity

For an alternative loaf

To no avail – what a liberty!

So I was forced to purchase

A slender baguette

Funded by taking out a second mortgage

Which of course I lived to regret

Not only did my knife

Warp, then falter and break

When I tried to cut it –

By morning it was stale!

So it went in the bin

And I went without toast

To eat with my homemade soup

What an utter joke!

Bread should surely be squidgy

Springy, buoyant and yum

Sweet yet savoury and moreish

And not cost an extortionate sum!

And what happened to having choices

As to what variety you can buy?

Why must we all conform

To the latest food fad that passes by?

Not everyone’s bloody tastebuds

Are exactly the same

Not everyone’s a slave to fashion

So please would you kindly refrain

From saturating the shops

And eateries with this crust

It’s like chomping on a piece chipbaord

And I refuse to bow down to this cult.

Wisdom Teeth

Why they call them wisdom teeth

I will never know

There’s nothing clever

About enduring excruciating pain

When these bastards decide to blow

When they flare up

And your nerves are raw

On red alert

Throbbing and taught

You know the meaning

Of true face ache

This agony

Is f**king hard to take

All one side

Of my swollen head

Is puffy and bruised

Like a machete’s been buried

In the left temple

Of my bonse

Like Elephant Man

I’m grotesque and deformed

Sweating cobs

Screaming within

A purple shiner

On my chin

Jaw locked shut

Can barely fit a straw

Impossible to eat

Appetite pretty poor

My putrid tooth’s

Left a gaping hole

That wasn’t packed

So I’ve been climbing the walls

My sadist surgeon

Told me to go to the dentist

He only did half a job

And boy, am I p**sed!

That he could have left me

Without antibiotics

The man’s deranged

Borderline psychotic

Been chomping at the bit

Gradually getting worse

Sleepless nights

Going berserk

No way to escape

Just forced to put up

With the brutality

Of having had my mouth sawn up

The tooth wouldn’t come out

It was impacted so deep

Pressing against a nerve

Paralysis nearly for keeps

He must have yanked

And he must have sliced

He must have dug

And drilled with all his might

And now I am left with

This living hell

When will it end?

Someone ring the bell!

I’ve downed almost a whole

Packet of pills

They make me zombified

And queasy, give me chills

I’m sick of this horror show

I wish it would end

It’s beyond interminable

And driving me round the bend

No silver lining

That I can see

Just burning and throbbing

Woe is me!

Gas-Lit

The Meeps are running

Riot again

A media-driven

Fear campaign

Has compelled them all

To panic buy

Petroleum

And the pumps have run dry

As when bog roll

Was out of stock

Because said Meeps

Greedily hoarded the lot

Now we can’t

Top up our tanks

Like we couldn’t wipe our bums

What possesses these planks?!

Swarming round the garages

Blocking up all the roads

Driving over roundabouts

Cussing each other, forgetting moral codes!

Turning up with cans

Lies, excuses a-plenty

Manipulating the worn out staff

Demanding they fill what’s empty

If only like Jesus

Turned water into wine

We could convert stupidity

Into premium unleaded, we’d be fine

Unfortunately

That’s impossible to do

So we’re forced to put up with

These bonkers buffoons

Who’ve been ‘fuelled’ by the press

(How ironic is that?!)

To go berserk

And stockpile gas

Now everyone’s supply

Is running dangerously low

You’re f**ked if you have

Somewhere to go

If the red light is on

And your car is running on fumes

You’ve got the Meeps to thank

For acting like loons

The country’s gone berserk

Common sense an ancient myth

Cheers to Boris and Co

For generating this

Cheers to the mainstream media

For ramping up the angst

Triggering the Meeps

Who in turn have attracted the armed forces, gee thanks

So now they’re gearing up

Mobilising to bring about ‘order’

We’ll be patrolled by the green berets

Who’ll ration gasoline going forward

It’s stinks of a cunning plan

To ultimately impose martial law

They threatened it during the lockdowns

Now we’re facing it once more

If the Meeps don’t flamin

Get a grip

And fight for FREEDOM

Over raising the level on their dipstick

Maybe the rest of us

Would stand a cat in hell’s chance

Of averting the descent

Into a dictatorship, for that’s the plan

Using the tactic

Of divide and rule

Spectacularly demonstrated

By these frenzied fools

The people are at war

With one another

“Every man for himself!”

“Bugger your sisters and brothers!”

It’s exactly what they want –

To grind us all down

Fracture our society

And the Meeps are the clowns

Gorging on the news

Bewitched by the propaganda

Blind as bats in their virtue-signalling masks

Heading straight towards Orwellian disaster.

Caged

Caged

I really don’t understand

The point of this thing called life

I feel I’m just stuck passing time

Until I’m released unto a realm without strife

To motivate myself at all

It’s such a chore everyday

Unfulfilled and mostly isolated

I trudge on feeling abject dismay

My aspirations out of reach

What I strive for just doesn’t materialise

I’ve lost my sense of purpose

I don’t understand why I’m alive

It’s not that I wish to be dead

But I’m existing in a vacuum of bland

Little excites me anymore

The tedium wasn’t something I planned

Loneliness and lethargy

Set in some time ago

But this insane pandemic has finished me off

And now all I feel is woe

I don’t know how to amuse myself

How to fill the emptiness

I wish something awesome would f**king give

So I don’t feel such waste and a mess

Age is creeping up on me

Energy sapped and scarce

Nothing to aim for except to earn a crust

But even that is something perverse

Can’t get paid to do what I love

So prostituting myself for cash

For way too long have I walked this path

That I thought was temporary – what a laugh!

I want to fly away, run, escape

But where the heck would I go?

This cage I’m in trapped in is holding me tight

What a veritable, interminable sh*t show.

Toxic Little Tinkerbell

All you ever did was take

Manipulate and scrounge

Innately insincere and ultimately fake

Like your finger nails and overly botoxed face

Utterly self-absorbed

Playing the Princess-In-Distress

Using everyone who ever gave a sh*t

That you are such a f**ked up mess

We all tried

Until we were blue in the face

To help you face your demons

But you’re beyond help and an utter disgrace

I came to your aid

Many a time

Nursed you when you were sick

Gave you first aid and a hospital ride

And yet again

You bailed when I needed a friend

After sponging off me for over a year

You f**ked me over and sent me over the edge

I am astonished and disgusted

That you could stoop so low

You’re clearly beyond redemption

And deserve ever poisonous seed you sow

Good luck with life

I fear you’ll meet a tragic demise

But I guarantee you this

I will not be crying

I will not be sorry

Because you refuse to help yourself

You just leech off the good nature of others

Like a vampire feeding off their light to alleviate your hell

You deserve all you get

Because you’re rotten to the core

‘The Sick Man Prayer’

Doesn’t wash with me anymore

I’m beyond exasperated

With the pathetic ‘little girl lost’ act

Exhausted with your excuses and lies

You’re a Toxic Tinkerbell and that’s an unfortunate fact

You’ve had enough chances

Been forgiven over and over again

But that was the final straw for me

You despicable imposter who dared to call yourself my ‘friend’.

‘Friendly’ Fire

What the hell just happened?

The skies are now full of rain

There’s an aching in the pit of my stomach

As I wrestle with this pain

You cut me deep

With your unbridled anger

An ambush of words

But I didn’t sense the danger

Until I scrolled down

And unleashed the tirade

Nestled in the penultimate paragraphs

And felt your unbridled rage

Unnecessary

And way over the top

You could’ve said it more kindly

A bomb you did not have to drop

A sneak attack

From way offside

The tactics of a sniper

There was nowhere to hide

Felled in a hail

Of verbal bullets

Mortally wounded it would seem

The death of a friendship

I treasured the most

Psychologically shattered, bereaved

Grieving now

Powerless to act

You’re gone forever

There’s no turning back

You seem to have overreacted

Erupted like a volcano

I’m pretty sure that my misdemeanour

Wasn’t the only trigger for this molten lava show

But I was certainly the target

Right in your firing line

And now I’m not sure if I can forgive

Let alone forget this crime

I really didn’t deserve it

I’d have never obliterated you

It seems you’ve got some serous issues

And I simply lit your fuse

Your resentments must have festered

Masked with a smirk of hidden barbed wire

Until they overcame you and your acidic ulcer burst

Spewing apocalyptic vitriol in a shower of ‘friendly’ fire

I knew you were dangerous

I sensed something was amiss

Intuition never fails

I just wish I had listened and spared myself this.

Live And Let Live

Live and let live

Don’t judge me too quick

Don’t tell me what to do

Unless you’ve walked in my shoes

Don’t question my actions

For I wouldn’t question yours

Unless I’m hurting someone

My business is none of yours

We all make choices

To suit ourselves

We don’t exist to please others

That would be hell

I do what I think

Is right at the time

It’s got f**k all to do

With anyone else when there’s no crime

So I made a decision

That was right for me

I still have free will

To exercise if I please

You may not agree

You may not understand

But don’t try to dictate

Because you feel you’re higher and mightier than

Somebody else

Who selected a different path

Just butt-out, okay?

Or you may feel my wrath.

The Crime Of Valentine’s

Single Awareness Day

Approaches once again

When all singles are reminded

Of the love they cannot attain

Excluded in every way

For not being part of a couple

Acute reinforcement of this fact

Can cause some of them to buckle

So either they opt out

Or in defiance they see it through

Uniting with other ‘lonely’ hearts

To gain strength from not being a two

The propaganda and the pressure

To declare your undying devotion

The commercial machine that churns

Provokes a myriad of emotions

It’s only one day of the year

A mere 24 hours

But woe betide you if you don’t receive

A card, some chocolates and flowers

If no one is clamouring

To romance you and seduce

To bowl you over

Worship at your alter – what to do?

Consider yourself unworthy?

Undeserving of such sentiments?

Harbour feelings of being less than?

Brew a pot of resentments?

No way!

Cast that mentality aside!

And recognise that it’s just

Another way of being bribed

To spend your dosh

And buy into the hype

When in reality

It’s all a load of tripe

Love should prevail

All year round

Not on a bitter cold day in February

That marks the day an execution was carried out

When a martyr was proclaimed

St Valentine

Which begs the question –

Why commemorate a crime?

Shelly

Shelly

Shelly you’ve been so brave

Shelly you fought so hard

Surpassing all the odds

Now rest in eternal peace, dear love

Not seen you for so long

But you personified the sun

A beaming bright ball of fire

Emanating such warmth

Beyond beautiful

Wide and expectant brown eyes

Always full of life

Always you beguiled

A deep hearty laugh

And a chatterbox for sure

Passionate in your youth

By your mum adored

I just had to wish you well

As you transcend this plane

The like of which I’m certain

We’ll never encounter again

🙏🙌Xx

This Heart

This Heart

Intact is this heart

Though it did smart

It leaked but did not bleed

When swept out to sea

By the pull of the tide

Almost was it capsized

Until the mighty ocean

Somehow realised

What moved it

Did then soothe it

And ease the sting

Drew it back with gentle words

A peace offering

Words that seemed to sense

That it’s salt had stung

Thus a healing balm was sent

And it was overcome

Cascading warmly

Transmitted through the ether

Restoring it’s serenity

And hope for the future

Not the rose-tinted one

It may have desired

(This heart must now drift carefully

For water can extinguish fire!)

But a continuation at least

Of something fertile and sweet

A blessing in disguise?

Something wonderful that could be?

And so the current flows…

Back and forth…

It is still afloat

And these elements are back on course…

The watery abyss

And this delicate vessel

In harmony for now…

In tune do they nestle…

And a symphony of bliss

Permeates this being

That is content to bask awhile

And not question this feeling

The tide may change

This boat may come aground

Dashed against the rocks

Or sunk without a sound

But this heart does know

It will certainly go on

There are a myriad of waters

It could set sail upon.